Where have I been? Well, since returning to work I have been kinda MIA in the blogging department. I have also been kinda MIA in the cooking/cleaning/care-taking/mothering department.
It’s been a bit rough.
The daycare situation has essentially blown up in my face. The little one’s daycare – which was the cheapest of the lot and also the one closest to my home – was just…weird. After her first day there, E of Dellabee wasn’t having it. Cue the kicking and screaming. When she was picked up in the afternoon, apparently she couldn’t get out of that place fast enough according to my husband.
At the end of the first week she spiked a fever and I kept her home, bringing her to the doctor later in the morning where she was diagnosed with (another) ear infection. I attributed the dramatics to this. But they persisted into the second week, with a newer issue cropping up – nightmares. She was coming into our room virtually every night in tears.
I know enough about children to know that adjusting to daycare isn’t easy for them, but this just struck me as something more than adjusting. So I pulled her out and moved her to another one. Since then, she has done better and I don’t get the creepy vibes like I did from the first place.
My job has been progressing from the training phase into the responsibility phase, which is a nice way of saying I have been thrown into the job completely unprepared. Ok, maybe not COMPLETELY. But definitely not ready. The job is a bit of a joke, with how poorly things are run – honestly, their computer software contains TYPOS. Hello, spellcheck?
I think you may have guessed that I am not happy with the job. I’m not. I don’t like the hours, which are flexible but dictated by the consumer’s availability which means I am meeting people in their homes at 6pm on week nights. I am not seeing the kindergartener I live with beyond breakfast. I don’t like the work I am doing – I think counseling people is not satisfying for me. I tend to put alot of pressure on myself to do well in whatever I do, and counseling people is the kind of thing where success is difficult to measure, and also very subjective. I might be burned out, or I might really just not care about other people like I used to before I had kids. I’m not sure.
I have some ideas about what I think I’d like to do, but the priority right now is the moo-lah. Living paycheck to paycheck and barely getting by for the last 6 months has highlighted our need for a second income, so getting the first paycheck from my job was a real thrill. I think that I am stuck for a while because of the money.
I hate that.
When I was an at-home mom, one of the things I liked was that I was really in control of my life. Once I have a job, I feel like I have handed over the steering wheel to my employer. I have never really had a hard time finding work until this economy bust, but now I feel like a dirtbag whining about my job when I really should be grateful to even have one.
I remain uncomfortable in my new role as working mother. I do not know exactly what I want to do for a living, but I am certain that I want to continue writing. The blog will live on, I am just unsure of how regularly I can post. If you could peer inside my head, you’d see how often blog topics pop in there – executing the idea is the problem.
I will be seeing you soon.