Dellabee and Me

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And so it goes

I quit the job.

I gave a 5 day notice.

I am free!

I think for most of my life I have actively ignored Intuition.  The abusive boyfriend? Yup, Intuition saw that one coming.  Intensely close friendship with a co-worker that ended when she told her husband she was going to the movies with me but she actually went and had sex in a Holiday Inn jacuzzi with 2 guys she met at a bar? Intuition had that one at “hello.”

Intuition told me not to even apply for the kind of job I ended up doing, but Boredom and Desperation overruled her when Panic came for a visit.  At the interview, Intuition kept nudging me about how unfriendly the office seemed, how inappropriately high the heels were on the boots of the woman who interviewed me – but White Shame hushed her by accusing her of harboring racist feelings.  When I was offered the job and the lady began explaining to me how I would be paid, Intuition snapped her head back and said that it did not make any sense – but I said nothing, because I was already fantasizing about buying groceries without swallowing the vomit  that always bubbled up in my throat at the check-out over the cost.

Intuition suggested that I get the hell out when I was going through mandatory training, and on the day we learned about “policies and procedures,” the small group of us sat in a stuffy, unclean conference room while the trainer read us the policy and procedures manual, cover to cover. Intuition scratched her head and pointed out that it was odd that none of us were actually given our own copies of the manual, but I was too comatose to listen.

Things did not improve.  The kids struggled, too.  Daycares were changed.  I tried to manage my work schedule, but there was too much to do and not enough hours in which to do it all.  E began wetting her pants.  D cried every single morning when we woke him for school.  The house was a mess.  The car’s mileage increased at an alarming rate.

In April, I hit a wall.  A situation with one of the kids I was supposed to be working with – a kid who had refused to work with me – spun out of control.  Within days of the crisis, ulcers broke out in my mouth and down my throat.  The pain was so bad I thought I might die, because surely they had to be swelling if they hurt as bad as they did, right?  Three doctors later, I was told that stress probably played a part in it.  I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t do anything because I was always on-call.  I was constantly tense and anxious.  With the kids I was short and irritable.  I hated what the job was costing me, and them.

I knew when I started the job that I would not keep it, I just didn’t know how long I’d hold out.  In April, I knew it would be soon.  By July, I was done.  I went to visit family out-of-state for a week, and decided that I did not want to return to the job.  On my first day back, I gave my notice and that Friday I was done.

BUT-

In those 8 months, something good happened.  I started to reclaim a bit of who I was before I had kids.  I did my hair and wore make-up.  I began identifying things that interested me, and pursued them.  I joined a weight loss clinic and dropped 30 pounds (and counting, still trying to lose more!).  I applied to a graduate certificate program in writing.  I found a therapist and started going to therapy, and really worked hard on myself.  I made friends.  I went to the movies, and out to lunch.  I was an actual person again.

I could bitch about the job itself for hours, days even, but the truth is that job saved me.  I am in a better place mentally, professionally, and financially because I had that job.  For that, I will always be grateful.

For now, though, I celebrate my freedom.   Intuition is buying the drinks.

What’s next?  Hmmmmmmm…….


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2 thoughts on “And so it goes

  1. You ROCK girl! I love this! Though you sound like you’re referring to your splits in personality at times, but that’s why I love you. I am so happy to see in writing all that you gained, positively, from a very negative experience…if you were my child, I’d be so proud…instead, since I can claim no ownership to anything you have accomplished…I am just simply impressed. xoxoxo

  2. Brandi on said:

    I sooo understand that whole “not listening to intuition” thing–that’s how I’ve learned most of my life lessons! I’m glad that you were able to glean the positive from it and SUPER IMPRESSED about the weight loss–very inspiring! Sounds like you’re in a really good space now. 🙂

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