A Letter That Will Never Be Read
Listen, I have more important things to do than to be your constant doorman as you decide you want to go out, then come back in on a whim. Most “normal” dogs go outside, do their “business,” then return inside to be with their people. Your demanding “let me out, now immediately let me back in” behavior is weird, and also annoying.
Speaking for Gracie, your canine sister, could you stop beating the hell out of her? You are three times her size, plus she is 6 years older than you and no longer finds it “fun” to be flipped over onto her back and chewed like a rawhide. You might also notice her flat face and bulging eyes: she is a Boston terrier and can’t regulate her body temperature like you can, so chasing her frantically around the backyard in the 90 degree heat can actually kill her. Your fun little “paw Gracie in the face while she is sleeping” game is going to leave her blind. Quit it.
You have been very loving with your human brother and sister, but they are human and thus don’t enjoy it when you try to play with them with your mouth open. They also don’t care for your rudely sniffing their backsides. I for one also find that offensive.
I’d like to ask you to maybe not chew up things that do not belong to you. For example, as you are a dog you do not wear shoes so any time you happen upon a shoe you need to leave it alone because it is not yours. You have destroyed 3 pairs of Skechers in your brief life – what is your attraction to the “z-strap” that, by the way, renders the shoe unwearable when it’s been eaten? Also, the kids’ toys are quite different from your toys. Your toys tend to be squeaky, made of rubber, or smell like chicken/beef/peanut butter. Their toys tend to be expensive, smaller, and should not smell like food. An extra clue that should alert you to the owner of a toy is if the kids scream that is NOT your toy, it is probably not yours.
We began letting you sleep on our bed at night because we felt guilty about you spending all day in your kennel while we were gone. (FYI if you are confused as to why you must be in your kennel when we leave, please re-read this letter). We did not think you would take advantage of our kindness by sprawling all over the bed and weighing down the covers. You are supposed to sleep at the foot of the bed. Don’t think we don’t know that you relocate to the middle of the bed after you think we are asleep – we know this. We also know when you think you can sneak up between our pillows because you are NO LONGER A PUPPY. You are huge. You can not fit between our pillows. I do not like waking up with a dog elbow wedged into my forehead.
The digging in the backyard is just ridiculous. What is even more ridiculous is how you think we don’t know you have been digging when you come back inside with dirt caked around your nose and in between your nails. Hello? We are humans, and not stupid ones either. I hope you were surprised to find we had filled your holes with your own poop. Ha.
Sophie, here’s the thing: any joy you have brought to our family is cancelled out by the pain you cause. We love you, but you are such a pain in the ass that I find myself searching under your fur for a “666.” You are so much better than our last dog, but we are still hoping for more improvement on your part.
You need to shape up, sister.