Dellabee and Me

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Where is the Frigging Manual?

Newsflash: life doesn’t come with a handbook.

I’m not talking about spiritual, I am sure many people regard the bible or their religion’s central book as THE handbook of life. I don’t, but I am atheist and don’t believe in any of that anyways.

I mean, how do you know what to do?

Life is like a sheet of graph paper, with all those intersecting lines waiting to become plotted points. So many possibilities. How does anyone know which ones to choose?

Sure, there is the basic life blueprint: graduate from high school, go to college, get married, have kids. Dot dot dot. But there are a lot of gaps in there, too.

I have pretty much done it all: married, 2 kids (one boy, one girl), bought a house (or 3, and now we are renters in another state, but still), graduated from college, finished graduate school…now what?

I never wanted to live an amazing, documentary-worthy life, but I do want to live a life that is not so darn boring. The economy has created a weird career-identity crisis for me. I always wanted to be a writer, but knew that this was not practical because really, who gets paid to write? I never knew anyone who did. I was drawn to psychology because I wanted to understand people better, and perhaps heal some of my own hurts.

I feel like I have done that, you know? I am tired of working with people, trying to help people. I am tired of dealing with the constantly shifting funding sources inherent in the human services field. I am tired of dealing with agencies that view sick children in terms of money, managers that are so self-centered they make decisions because they can and not because they should. I am tired of being treated poorly by both the people I’m trying to help and the people above me.

Now what do I do? I owe more in student loans than I will ever make in an annual salary in this field. I always thought school was the answer, so I am back in graduate school, pursuing another certification that, to be honest, my feelings about are luke-warm at best. Because I am married and have these two kids, I no longer have the luxury of just scrapping plans and trying something risky – because risky doesn’t pay the rent. So I stick with what I know – school – and otherwise sit here crippled by anxiety. The result is a life frozen by indecision: no vacations, no hobbies, no activities, no fun.

There is no manual to guide me. And that sucks because I could really use one right about now.



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4 thoughts on “Where is the Frigging Manual?

  1. Brandi on said:

    I’m struggling with the same thing. Thinking about going back to school, but don’t want to drag us further into student loan hell. I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing! You’re not alone.

    • desmomma04 on said:

      I can’t think about my student loan situation for too long or I freak out. That shit will never be paid off. I am approaching a 6 digit figure here. I. Am. Screwed,

  2. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis too. Maybe you’ll find your niche in your new state?

    • desmomma04 on said:

      Well, I’ve been here for 2 years and still feel pretty out of place. I am hopeful that something will magically help me to feel focused, lol.

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