Dellabee and Me

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12

That is the number of drafts I have going right now.

None of them seem good enough.

I finally broke down and bought a DSLR camera and I am so in love with the thing, I want to make it a satin pillow and cook it breakfast.

Running: still doing it, though I feel like a fraud calling it “running” when it is really jogging at best.

I have a job offer. Notice I did not say “I have a job.” This is because there has not been a contract signed, as it is a school job which requires a state license and mine is still pending due to the end-of-semester backlog at the college. I am excited about the job, although I wish I could figure out a way to get paid to just sit around, check out Pinterest obsessively, and make microwave popcorn.

It’s “the holidays.” We have our rather spartan decorations on display. I sucked it up and bought a new artificial tree because our old one was shedding fake needles like an evergreen stripper. The new tree is simple (read: cheap) but the needles are staying on the wire branches so it’s all good. The cats, despite their new gigantic cat perch, are enjoying the comfy space under the tree.

The kids are excited. I am horrified at the looming 3-week break from school. All they do these days is fight with each other. Spare me the “it’s normal” and “I bet you fought with your siblings” because I don’t care – it is annoying and constant and ruins most of the time we spend together. It is the Dyson of joy, sucking it clear out of everything.

I don’t know how I am right now. To be honest, this time of year really churns up my anxiety. I worry about not doing enough with the kids. I get overwhelmed with figuring out what to do, how to do it, how to coordinate it, how to convince my husband that we should do it. Because we have only lived here for not quite 3 years, and we have no family nearby, I am still unfamiliar with what our celebratory options are. We don’t have firmly established traditions and rituals. This makes me sad. When I was a child the one thing I looked forward to every Christmas was the annual party my aunt had for my mom’s relatives. Because my mom comes from a large family, there were tons of cousins and lots to do.

Because of a variety of reasons, my kids don’t really know their cousins – and there aren’t many anyways.

There are many good things lurking on the horizon: my return to work means more money, no more classes for me so free evenings, my new job is just past the gym so I can totally work-out on my way home, my husband is getting a fantastic promotion.

The promotion, however, will require us to relocate to (another) new city about 3 hours east.

This is ironic, because I am just now feeling okay with where we are – I love our home, I love our neighborhood, I am making connections that I hope will grow into friendships, I like the kids’ school and they are doing well there, I have my running loop, I know my way around.

I am not opposed to the move. I think it will be great. We aren’t going until the kids finish school in June, which is also when I will finish my interim contract, so there is plenty of time to research and plan – things we did not do when we made our cross-country move. My concern is that it has taken me just about 3 years to settle in here. What if that is my standard adjustment timeframe? My kids are 7 and 5, I don’t know how fair it will be for them if I am miserable for the next 3 years. That will have been most of their lives spent with a miserable mother. Seriously.

So, I am hopeful about the future, happy with the present, and crossing my fingers that we have already gone through the worst.

I don’t have resolutions for the New Year. I hope to keep running and do some more races. I’d like to get the kids into some activities like gymnastics or dance. I want to do some training with the dogs. I want to find a job in our new city.

What about you? Do you feel like you are moving in the direction you want to be heading in the coming year?

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