Dellabee and Me

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Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Weighing in

I am battling some eye problems right now, which is a little bit scary. Basically I can’t wear my contacts any more because my eyes get too dry. I wore them for a few hours on Monday and that evening both eyes turned red and zombie-ish. So now I’m coming to terms with the fact that I will be wearing my glasses all the time for a while. So this morning I grabbed my glasses, squirted eye drops in my eyes, and stumbled onto the scale. Here is what it said:

 

And yes, apparently my scale is filthy. It lives in the bathroom, where it attracts hair spray and animal hair. Would you believe I actually wiped it off before snapping the pic?

I’ve been thinking about what I can change in my daily life that will help me to be the size I want to be. I think it needs to be some form or exercise or activity, since I have never been able to incorporate that into a long-term habit. Should I get a treadmill? Doing something outside is not realistic with the extreme weather here, and planning to go the gym every day won’t happen because it is honestly crazy hard to get out of my house with my kids in a reasonable amount of time.

Food: I am staying away from processed stuff as much as possible. Funny how much easier it is to eat healthily when you actually have fruits and vegetables and good food in the house! This week I made mac n cheese with quinoa which was pretty tasty and filling, and the kids actually ate it too. I also planned our meals for the week, which is very hard for me because I am a vegetarian and so is my husband but the kids are not – and my husband is really picky and not into eating vegetables or fruit AND I try to avoid carbs. This is a bit of a challenge, no? My solution is to not include my husband in the plan. Sorry, something had to give, and I was tired of knocking myself out putting together a vegetarian meal just for him to wrinkle his nose and complain about it. He seems to be okay with this so far, as long as I keep things in the house that he can throw together for himself like Chipotle Black Bean burgers, salad, peanut butter, etc. Meh, it works.

Soooo, there is that. Stay tuned for next week. Oh, I might do a P52 post before then, we’ll see!

A Numbers Game

Well, here we are, feeling a bit more settled in the new home but somewhat UNsettled in my own skin.

Why?

The scale said this on July 18th

I have shared some of my weight issues before but I never got into the numbers because, well, come on. Some things should stay private right?

But I don’t know, along with the privacy comes a sort of…disconnect. If that makes sense? I become overwhelmed with things very easily, and it has become a habit to just bury my head in the sand or look on from the sidelines as if the one who is struggling isn’t really me.

I know how to lose weight. What I have not figured out, though, is how to keep it off, how to live my life in such a way that the weight doesn’t creep back on.

One of my favorite bloggers is Roni. She has lost weight and gotten fit and basically done a 180 in life over the course of 4-5 years. She is really inspiring. Plus, she has a family and her husband is not into eating healthy at all and somehow she manages to cope with that. I can relate. Roni does Weigh-In Wednesdays where she posts a pic of her weight, and for some reason this really resonated with me.

Why don’t I do that too?

So here it is.

Now, here is some perspective on the numbers. My highest weight was 194. 194! I am 5’4″. I was in a size 20. In 2009 we moved cross-country, and over the next 6 months or so I dropped down to 187. Not deliberately, mind you. This was probably from stress because I was not dieting or exercising.

When I started the weight loss program in the spring of 2010, I weighed 187. By December 201o, I weighed 142. This was all diet, no exercise. I was a size 10/12. I think I stayed at 142 for about 2 weeks – seriously. In 2011 I started running and stopped dieting, although I still avoided most carbs. By April 2011, my weight had climbed up to 150. In June I lost my job unexpectedly. By July, I weighed 156.

And that is pretty much where I settled. For the next year my weight bounced between 154 and 158. I was still running, still in a size 12, so I wasn’t too stressed about it. Now, though, this 2-3 pound gain is making me very uncomfortable. My clothes feel tight. I swear I can feel my chin hanging. So it is time to address it.

How? Logging my food. Stocking up on fruits and veggies. Planning our meals AND snacks. Scheduling time to exercise.

Stay tuned for my next weigh in!

 

Don’t Touch Me

I am always after my husband to rub me – rub my back, rub my feet. I am sure he delights in it.

I also really enjoy massages, as long as they are of the Swedish variety and not deep-tissue. I do not like it when the massage hurts. Ow.

But other than these 2 examples, I really don’t like being touched.

I am not a big hugger. I will shake someone’s hand (quickly) or do that weird side hug where we don’t actually look at each other. But that is really it.

Even when I was a kid, I did not like to hold hands. The whole trend now of clingy girlfriends, kissing and holding hands and hugging? Not me.

Growing up, my father’s home was near a farm. There were 4 kids who lived on the farm, 2 boys and 2 girls. The older 2 were just a little younger than me, the younger 2 much younger. The youngest girl, named Laura, thought I was the best thing ever. She always wanted to sit near me, talk to me, be around me. In response, I hated Laura. I hated having to sit near her in the car. I hated her always trying to whisper in my ear. I tried to leave her behind, leave her out, exclude her – never obviously, mind you. I was not mean directly to her. But I was still mean.

I was kind of an ass, yes?

Well, I am an adult now and because I don’t like being touched but I feel like it must mean something is wrong with me, I end up enduring touches that I don’t want. Hugs from strangers – grrr, but okay. I went to dinner with some friends and one of the guys was trying to pretend that we were together instead of with our respective spouses so he grabbed my hand and held it on the table. I froze. I hate that shit, but didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing and just sat there until it made HIM uncomfortable and then he pulled his hand away.

Not sure I’d consider that a win.

I just like my space, both mentally and physically. And there is nothing wrong with that. (note to self: there is nothing wrong with that)

My daughter, at nearly 6, is very much a hugger. A hand-holder. She loves out loud. And she loves me best.

This means that she wants to do everything with me. EVERYTHING. If I am on the couch, she has to be near me, touching me, leaning on me. If we go anywhere, she asks me to buckle her into her booster seat (she is supposed to be buckling herself). She sneaks into my bed at night and I wake up with her hands knotted in my hair, her body pressed against my back.

Whatever I do, she wants to do too. If I’m cooking, she wants to. She wants to sew with me. She wants me to play with her all the time. Summer is a long few months, folks.

I am not a toucher, but my child is. Does anyone know what this is like? I love that kid to the sun and back, I really do, but I also love to read a book without 45 pounds of kid leaning into my armpit. Does that make me a bad mother?

I am not doing what I did to Laura, I promise. I let her sit with me, help me cook, sleep in my bed. Sometimes I tell her I need some space. Mostly I just shut up and let her do what she wants.

We are starting to talk to her about boundaries. She is not inappropriate – she doesn’t climb onto strangers laps, for example. She does hug new people though, but not men. She does not hide her feelings – this is awesome, but it also makes me worried for her because she is so exposed, vulnerable. Like Laura was.

Boy, I was a jerk.

School’s Out

So, my last day of work was June 11th. The lease on our new home began on 5/28.

We didn’t actually move INTO the place until June 14th. Which means we have been here for what, three weeks?

Deer in the backyard

That has been three weeks of 24/7 time with the kids. In a new town, where we know no one, in a house with bugs on the inside and bugs + oppressive heat on the outside.

Three very, very long weeks.

Thankfully, I began a board on Pinterest for kid projects. All I had to do was stock up on supplies and we were ready.

We made pet rocks.

There has been a ton of television-watching, video-game playing, and sibling-on-sibling violence. No pics of this stuff.

However, this project was super cool. Homemade lava lamps!

Check out the link for the how-to’s (vegetable oil, water, food coloring, and Alka-Seltzer).

Today is the 4th of July and we have no plans, other than surviving the heat and surviving the children.

Yup, that is a knife in the boy’s hand – a plastic one his father picked up for him at the Army Surplus store. I had nothing to do with it.

I.Am.So.Tired.

I am participating in project52. This week’s theme was “School’s Out.” Check out all of the other participants’ photos here!

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